Diam

Kadang kala, Berdiam diri itu penting demi untuk menjaga hati dan perasaan sendiri. Jika seseorang sudah menyakiti dengan sikap dan patah kata. Jangankan untuk menyapa, memandang wajahnya pun malas rasanya. Itu bukan benci, Tapi demi menjaga hati dan perasaan sendiri. Orang yang biasa merendahkan kita, biarkanlah tidak ingin lagi merasa tersinggung, apalagi merasa sedih. Tak ingin punya apa-apa emosi jika bisa. Jika kita dinilai baik, ya bersyukur. Dinilai tidak baikpun tak mengapa. Alang-alang simpang siur dan liku-liku perjalanan hidup kita sudah menjadi sumpah keramatnya. Jalani dan ikhlaskan saja. Apa pun yang mendatang, langgar saja istilahnya. Semua yang hadir dalam hidup kita, memiliki peranannya tersendiri. Ada yang memberikan kebahagiaan, ada juga yang memberikan kepedihan. Memaksa diri agar disukai semua orang, itu sangatlah melelahkan Maka, Jadilah diri sendiri walaupun banyak yang merendahkan, jauhi dan berdiamlah dari orang yang membuat kita kecewa. Berhenti berusaha menyenangkan orang lain kerana terlah terbukti yang tidak pernah ada siapapun yang akan menghargai kita walau sebanyak manapun pengorbanan san rasa peduli yang kita tumpahkan. Semakin kita menjauhi mereka yang meracuni jiwa, akan terasa jauh lebih sehat hidup kita. Bahagia itu kita sendiri yang menciptakan. Selebihnya, Tuhan yang mengatur.

Because I'm The Only One They Have

Playing 'mom'nager escorted them, this usually would be the way they used to do to manage their sadness and frustration. Keep going dear daughter. You'll always have my back today, tomorrow and forever 💕 #BecauseLifeIsHard

It Is Okay Not To Be Okay

 Toxic positivity annoys me so much. 

I mean, I know I need to work on dealing with the pain and the instability because my teenage kids are still young and don't deserve a grumpy and dysfunctional mom all the time but the truth is the pain and the instability  makes it so hard to focus and it's so irritable.

It is okay not to be okay all the time by the way.

Emily

Lily Emily was a little girl
Afraid of the big, wide world
She grew up within her castle walls
Now and then she tried to run
And then on the night with the setting sun
She went in the woods away
So afraid, all alone

They Her grandma warned her, don't go there
There's creatures who are hiding in the dark
Then something came creeping
It told her, don't you worry just

Follow everywhere I go
Top over the mountains or valley low
Give you everything you've been dreaming of
Just let me in, ooh

Everything you want in gold, I'll be the magic story you've been told
And you'll be safe under my control
Just let me in, ooh
Just let me in, ooh

She knew she was hypnotized
And walking on cold thin ice
Then it broke, and she awoke again

Then she ran faster than
Start screaming, "Is there someone out there?"
Please help me
Come get me
Behind her, she can hear it say

Follow everywhere I go
Top over the mountains or valley low
Give you everything you've been dreaming of
Just let me in, ooh

Everything you want in gold, I'll be the magic story you've been told
And you'll be safe under my control
Just let me in, ooh
Just let me in, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Everything you want in gold, I'll be the magic story you've been told
And you'll be safe under my control
Just let me in, ooh

Follow everywhere I go
Top over the mountains or valley low
Give you everything you've been dreaming of
Just let me in, ooh
Then she ran faster than
Start screaming, "Is there someone out there?"
Please help me
Just let me in, ooh

Lily lyrics © Peermusic Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Aku Mohon Kekuatan

Untukku meminta hanya yang baik² setiap hari adalah hal yang mustahil. 

Maka aku hanya minta untuk kuat disetiap detik hidupku yang diuji wahai Tuhan...

Demi Mereka Yang Menyayangi, Demi Keluargamu Disini.

Hari ini,
Mereka semakin matang dan mampu mengatasi segala kebimbangan dan rasa terasing yang telah membelenggu mereka sebelum ini.

Hari ini,
Mereka sudah mampu berbangga dengan percampuran darah dan kelebihan melanin dalam tubuh mereka,
Seperti sirna sudah perasaan terasing mereka dulu.

Hari ini,
Telah mereka temui semangat.
Seiring usia yang menginjak dewasa,
Ibu ini sudah mampu bernafas lega,
We manage to face this battle together.

 
Hari ini,
Kita terus hadap sama²,
hadap segala apa yang datang,
Walaupun mungkin suatu hari nanti kalian akan melangkah keluar dari tanah ini - tempat dimana tumpahnya darahmu.
Pastikan kamu melangkah dengan maruah.
Demi mereka yang menyayangi,
Demi keluargamu disini.

#inirumahkamu
#homesweethome
#youllneverwalkalone
#ipromiseifulfill

We Moved To Taiping Again (This Time For Good) - First Blog In 2022

21st February 2022 - Here we (kids and I) are again, Taiping.

Close to my family which I never know how to describe about (my feeling). So many things that I would like to share with the world but I am not sure if the there is anyone that have the interest to know about it. But referring to my therapist, sharing (via writing) is one of the distraction methods that I can apply to reduce my instability due to the anxiety disorder.

In October 2022, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Been through relapse and defaulted episodes for few times, I think I want to start making videos on YouTube regarding this matter. Mental health matter for the sake of mental health awareness. But I never have the courage to do that,

I believe this covid-19 pandemic turned me into my current condition. Separation anxiety (almost 2 years with my interracial husband), lost of job and income, Became disabled due to bilateral hypertensive retinopathy (retinal vascular damage caused by hypertension). 

The struggle is damn real, till then...

Salahkah?

Beruntunglah dia yang sentiasa menerima doa dalam kelembutan dan kasih sayang dari ibunya. Beruntungkah dia yang keras merentan tapi tetap mendapat doa ibunya kerana kasih ibu padanya lebih dari apa dan siapa pun. Beruntunglah dia yang tidak pernah didoa akan kesusahan hidupnya jika tidak akur menurut.

Hidup mereka inilah yang selalunya senang dan kurang lubang lopak perjalanannya, kerana redha ibunya. 

Jadi ibu itu tidak mudah dan tidak semuanya indah, dia dengan sewenang-wenangnya bisa dihujat dan dipersalahkan atas setiap kekurangan diri dan anak-anaknya keatasnya. Beban menahan derita tekanan seandainya ibunya juga sama rapuh dan kerapuhan itu diwariskan kepadanya. Kerana doa ibu itu tiada hijab. Mana mungkin ibu itu menyalahkan ibunya atas kerapuhan yang diwarisi ditakuti kelak dianggap neraka. Kerana dia sedar dalam kerapuhan ibunya itu, dia masih berkebegantungan terhadap ibunya. 

Itulah takdir hidupnya, seorang anak ibu yang juga seorang ibu yang tersakiti. Takdir membawa dia berlayar dilautan kehidupan yang bergelora, membawanya terumbang ambing sambil mengenangkan betapa tidak berbaloi dirinya, gagal. 

Sungguh sakit luka itu.

Hanya kerana jalan hidup yang ibu ini jalani tidak seperti yang ibunya mahu dan aturkan.

Lebih malapetaka bila kesakitan itu mula terwarisi kepada anak-anaknya. 

• Salahkah kalau ibu itu menyalahkan ibunya atas kerapuhan yang dia punya?. 
• Salahkah sekiranya dia marah bila mana ibunya sendiri tidak punya cukup masa untuk dia?
• Salahkah sekiranya dia minta ruang dan haknya untuk membuat keputusan atas pilihan hidupnya?
• Salahkah sekiranya dia mengganggap kegagalannya adalah kegagalan ibunya juga kerana tak betah lagi bertahan dengan tekanan yang diberikann oleh ibunya?

Jika dulu ibunya tahu memainkan peranan seorang ibu keatasnya, pasti ibu ini tidak rapuh seperti kini. Tidakkah ibunya terfikir segalanya telah terlewat?  Untuk meminta lebih dari yang ibu ini mahu dan mampu. Pasti ibu ini cuma mahu dilepaskan berlayar sendiri bersama puing-puing kehidupan yang telah rapuh.

Berlayar jauh dan sepi, penuh kedamaian

Tapi, disitulah gagalnya dia, bila dia sendiri akhirnya tiba dipenghujung jalan yang mati, dan disitu dia sedar kembali yang sememangnya dia manusia gagal yang masih memerlukan ibunya walau rapuh hingga hancur tulang belulangnya atau sejauh mana pun dia cuba belayar pergi.

Buat mereka yang teruji dan diuji, redhalah kerana itu jalan pilihanmu kerana hidup hanya sementara. Entahkan esok entahkan lusa, sampailah masa, untuk mereka tidak susah dan menyusahkan. 

Masa itu adalah masa rehat yang abadi.- Selamat Hari Kesihatan Mental Sedunia 2021

Twins 19th Birthday

It's finally 19th years. 

I became a mother, went through this roller coaster motherhood journey that full of stresses and surprises. Laughing, screaming, crying, blabbering and kinda. I was tested with so many unpredicted scenario as well. Motherhood never easy as someone with "so-many" disorder like me.

When house is messy and dirty when I couldn't functioning well as other mothers do, when my own blood humiliate me due to my inculpabilities, when I am at the depressive mode, you are by my side. You bear seeing me handling all my pain and anxiousness. Anxious that I couldn't give enough. Anxious that I couldn't walk along with you and anxious if you been hurt or feel sad.

Someone said I am looking for perfection, who don't by the way right? But life isn't perfect. In fact it is far from it. Again, you have to deal with my maniac mode whenever things doesn't turn to be as I wanted. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm so sorry, I'm far from good.

Today, 

You are already 19. You such an easy kid I have ever knew. Easy to take advices, easy to discuss with, easy to listen to me and your dad. Other parents might worry if their kids went out and be back home late but I'm worry that my own kids refused to stay outside more than to be at home.

Thank you for being a good mate, being more likely a best friend to me, the ones that always there for me whenever I need someone to rely on, more likely a sister, to chat and gossiping about anything and everything with.

May you both have the bestest birthday. May your life fulfilled with happiness and good fortune. May you excel in everything you put your hands on. May you blessed with wealth, health, long live and prosperity. May you blessed with a partner that loves you dearly, who can consider the best and the worst side of you, who can be patient and take care of you better than me. May you be the generous one and be good to your God and family. May you blessed with what your heart desire and May you blessed with every good prayers from every mothers on earth - Amen.

Happy 19th birthday twins 🌹🌹

Birthday dinner was held at the Chop & Steak Kg Baru KL, my favorite western food restaurant since 2002.  

2020, COVID-19 & MY LIFE

Hola guys..

Its has been long that I didn't update this blog as year 2020 has been so rough to everyone, without us realizing. Laju je masa berlalu kan? 

All is because of this wicked pandemic called Covid-19.  

Lost of income, moved house, loved ones stranded oversea almost 1 year, name it, Semua pun I have been through. Honestly, mom and dad was my backbone. they have been my support. Lead my ways sampai takde ruang nak rasa down dah.

I'm positively in the good state of mind even mula-mula selalu kena migraine and anxiety attacked.

For the first 4-5 months of MCO, I have been selling variety of kerepek popia such as popia pedas, popia cheese and popia nestum. It helps my expenses for that 4-5 months. After 7 months buat bisnes tu sambil manage twins, hantar them to their campus after 3 months MCO finished, sampailah the 2nd CMCO they need to be back for home online class and finished their 1st semester December end.

Now we're almost going to March.

Husband's flight cancelled again, his mytravelpass will be expiring before April end. How lah? Just wait and see. I'm fully positive eventhough kids and I miss him crazily. we're fine with all these nowadays technologies and such.

Been in Taiping since January, I stopped my kerepek popia production and starting my new business. started from early February.

See you next writes up lovelies!!!

Kejohanan Golf Luar Musim Bawah 16 Tahun (Perempuan) MSSWPKL 29 - 30 Oktober 2018 - Kinrara Golf Club, Puchong, Selangor.

SUMPAH MUMMY NANGIS KAKAK!!!

#shemadeit - my super proud moment as a mother.

Kakak's hard works paid off #afteralltearsandhardworks

Beyond sweat and tears.

I promise, as long as I am still alive, I'll give my full support.

2nd runner up. Girls under 16  (MSSWPKL)

Only those who know will understand her journey. 

Today is your day kakak, cherish it!!

Walau apa pun kisah disebalik memori ini.

  

Adik setia menemani kakak... 

Congratulations kakak....