I really love to share tentang anxiety dengan panik ni (following my own experience) sebab for me, by expressing it out I dapat educate semua orang. Hope ada yang sudi mengambil ilmu ni. I am standing on behalf of other AD survivors yang takde kekuatan nak voice out kerana risaukan judgements. Sama juga when I alway speak out ttg discrimination, racism and colorism towards african asian community in Malaysian. Because I think, things need to be explain. I don't trust self learning method as dalam Al quran pun dituntut supaya ilmu itu dicari dan berguru. I take this sharing is similar to educate, an educating process is the process between the educator and the learner. So, I take this as mengajar other people as well. What I share is based on what my counselor, therapist and psychiatrist explained to me as I am a diagnosed anxiety survivor. Not self diagnose!!
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As for my own experience, anxiety ni slow and painful, manakala panic attack pulak rapid and crushing. Kesan semasa dan selepas attack might be different from one to another, just take this as general input maybe pemahaman, kawalan kendiri atau kawalan terhadap orang² yang kita sayang.
Anxiety attacked me slowly but sakittt sangat. Rasa jantung, hempedu, hati ni macam kena genggam pastu diramas². Dia serang dari luar masuk kedalam jasad. Seksa sangat nak tunggu dia blend dan mula berlembut dan slowly pulak lepaskan my jiwa/roh yang dia seksa. Can hold me dalam mode resah up to hours. Kadang² start attack sehari sebelum I meet up trigger that caused it. Trigger could be event like social event. Only reda after I hit my own anxiousness. Yes, berdepan dan get over the things that trigger my anxiousness lah yang buat anxious tu reda. Bila sampai masa tu, badan ni macam takde pape yang terjadi pun before that.
..dan,
Panic attack serang macam kepala air turun dari gunung. Dia langgar pebende yang ada kat jasad ni. Daripada muka, dada, perut, otak semua rasa berkecai. Macam baru lepas kena tolak dari tingkat 20 bangunan. Barai abis jasad dengan roh. Tekak rasa tercekik, jantung rasa kena hentak dengan kayu balak yang jatuh dari lori bawak kayu balak sebab rantai yang ikat kayu balak tu putus.
Jasad terus bagi signal - menggigil, menggeletar, confuse, rasa macam roh nak meresap keluar dari liang² roma badan, macam nak kesurupan. Mula bertindak dluar kawalan dan kewarasan. Contohnya, I pernah kena panic attack masa drive without anyone yang capable to bertindak in the state of emergency. Time tu my mindset telling me that, what I need is only to stop somewhere to get a bottle of water as without it I could be dying. Unfortunately, masa panik tu tengah attack, traffic light suddenly tukar merah and traffic sangat² congested masa tu. Because of my helplessness, I sanggup keluar dari kereta dan meluru pergi kat kereta belakang untuk mintak sebotol air mineral.
Malunya kalau ingat² balik. But it is what it is. Itulah yang terjadi bila panic menyerang. By God grace, orang tu ada sebotol air mineral yg baru dia beli and he gave me. Punyalah x malu, berhenti mintak air dari orang yang tak dikenali, what a shame kan.
Tapi panic attack gitu lah..bila dapat air tu, slowly geletar, heart trembling, suffocation semua slowly hilang. Masa tu, satu perasaan relieve datang macam orang mati yang dapat semula roh dengan nyawa dia. Masa tu barulah malu datang menghempas² muka. Pujuk diri, dont worry..orang tadi bukan kenal kau pun 😂
Gilakan?
Apart of that, I survived. 1 tahun hidup dengan anti depressant, something happened to my nerve system and brain. I could not harm my body any longer. In January I stop the medication by myself with March and officially stop under doc's consent bulan July lepas. I have decided to get over my condition by looking back of what am lacking of and betul² I found that my way of life yg mostly caused it.
Truly speaking, MCO supported my healing process. Pulihkan my insomnia, fix my sleeping pattern, give me lots lots of spaces to myself. Sleep well, eat healthy and faktor keliling yang sangat² supportive healed me sebab MCO dapat buat I isolate myself from the triggers. I love to share about anxiety disorder because by expressing this out, I feel relieved and fixed. and I love to write too 😊
Dengan bercerita, selain bagi semua orang disekeliling faham, ia juga give me space without depressing me with rasa malu dan insecure. I don't mind judgements because this can happen to anyone. Cuma tahap serangan dan kekuatan seseorang untuk hadap benda ni. I am anxiety survivor and I dont have anything to be ashamed of 😊
Thanks kerana sudi baca sampai habis.
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